Dear Common Sense,

It's 8:30 am.
I fell asleep around 3:00am.
I don't work until 4:15pm.
My alarm wasn't set.
My phone was dead.
I woke up in an empty bed.

I got up and rolled a cigarette.
I noticed a pair of shoes were gone.
So were his keys.
So was his car.
So was my heart in a jar.



The note on the mirror says his phone is dead and he'll be gone all day.
He didn't do anything wrong.
But I think the doctor needs to up my meds.
Aside from wanting to kill myself a couple weeks ago, I've never wanted to cut so bad.

sanity does exist, but only with medication.

I was in the psych ward for a week.
I now conform to the social trend of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds.
It's better than wanting to kill myself constantly.

My boyfriend moved in with me.
I really need to clean so he actually has somewhere to put his stuff.

I got my old job back.
I start tomorrow.
I don't care for working... But I do like money.

I lost enough weight in the psych ward that my Claddagh ring doesn't fit anymore.
I had to wrap it in yarn.
I also had to get new pants.
None of my old ones fit.
I now wear 3 to 5's.

I've got a plan.

Obviously I have terrible luck sticking to diets like the ABC diet.
So.
Within the next 30 days, I need a deficit of 70,000 calories total to get to 100 lbs.
(After that, I'll figure it out for the next goal weight, but I figure a month will be good enough for now.)
I will get 2,100 calories a week (this way, if I overeat one day, I can make up for it the rest of the week.)
And I need a deficit of 2,100 cal a day.
(Also, if I over eat, I can counteract it by burning more cal.)

I think the reason I'm trying more now than ever to control this is because my medication is supposed to cause weight-gain (which the doctor did on purpose...) and I wont let that happen.

I'm planning on AT LEAST 2 hours of hula hooping a day, which burns 251 cal an hour.
Half an hour of yoga. Cleaning the house everyday. My body naturally burns about 1400 cal just by being alive.
All this plus working on my feet for 5-8 hours a day, sexy time with the boyfriend, volunteering at the dog shelter (which I'm going to start doing again), and I'm going to try to get in a 30 min walk everyday...
I should have no problem burning 2100 cal a day.
And the eating thing hasn't really been a big deal for me since the psych ward.
I didn't eat much there because the food was awful, and I haven't really felt like eating much since. And I've tried.
I tried eating some chinese food yesterday... my favorite food of all time... and I was done after a couple bites.
I'm just... not ever hungry anymore. and I kind of love it.

Sanity doesn't exist

I've been seeing a therapist for a couple weeks now.
Not because of my ED, but because I'm just crazy in general.

I thought I was doing well.
I hadn't cut in over a week.
I was wrong though.

If I didn't take it out on myself, I would take it out on him.
I don't want to do that.
He already thinks I'm crazy.
Mostly because I am.
I don't know why he's still with me.

He makes me paranoid.
It's not his fault.

I'll never be the only one who matters.
I understand that now.

There were so many people who loved me.
Only me.
And I didn't want them.

I have the one I want.
But he's not all mine.
And I can't stand it.

Karma is a mother-fucking bastard.
I'm not allowed to be happy.
My heart is proof.
My mind is proof.
My arm is proof.

So whats the fucking point?

I want...

alcohol is bad, mmmkay?

I'm an idiot.

the streets are made of silver

California.
Los Angeles, more specifically.
Home of the Musician's Institute.
Which is where my significant other would like to study.
What that mean?

It means we sat down last night and figured out a budget.
If we both get the jobs that we're planning on getting this month, we can have 41,000 saved up by August of 2012, after the expenses of living here until then are removed from the savings, and school would start in September.
That is enough to survive the 2 years it would take for him to graduate assuming rent was 900 or below (a price range in which we found many living options) and that we didn't blow money while we were there. PLUS I'd try to find a full time job, or any job at all, to cover anything extra we would need.

This gives me something extreme to look forward to.
Something I haven't had in a while.
I feel like this is going to help my current mental situation quite a lot.
I love that he doesn't mind that I'm crazy.
I love that he loves me.
I love that I love him.

[[FAIL]]

My first attempt at the ABC diet failed horrendously.
I keep shifting between 123 and 124. At least I'm staying under my first goal weight, but it's still pissing me off.
I didn't adhere to the calorie restrictions at all.
So I went grocery shopping, and I'm attempting it once again starting the first of February.

In other news, my boyfriend is finally moving in with me.
I say finally like we've been together for years.
We've only been together 4 and a half months.
But I'm cool with it.
I'm kind of really excited by the idea of us living together.
It's not as good as when we randomly decided to get married (and then he changed his mind), but it still good. It's probably logically better, actually.

in other OTHER news...
I went to the shrink yesterday.
I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder Severe with Psychotic Features.
Go me.
I'm all kinds of crazy.
So I'm going to start doing treatment for that.
I brought up my ED.
He didn't seem to care about it or think it was of any significance.
I love how it doesn't matter as long as you're still in a healthy BMI range.
I wish they would realize they could save so many people from hospitalization if they just took action before hand.
Oh well.
I'm sure they'll learn eventually.

ANYWAY.

I need to find a well paying job like right now.
ChaCha is not cutting it.
I don't have the attention span for it.