well this'll be fun

Today, my diet consists of 1 quart of pure black cherry juice, some B-complex, some niacin and countless cigarettes.
I have IBS.
This is practically a rapid detox.
I'm doing whatever it takes to lose the weight.
Today, I start a 5 day liquid fast.

I'm at 126.
I will get there.

I was in the studio, recording, yesterday. I think it's funny that the song my dad liked best was the one about his daughter's eating disorder.
He'll never know.

Go back into the studio tomorrow.
I've got myself worried sick that it's all gonna turn out shitty because I'm no good.
Then I have this fear that I'll go to some open mic night in some cafe, and be shitty.
But whatever.
As long as I'm thin when I do it.

What sucks is, I'm a pound away from reaching my first GW.
And I don't have money to get the hair dye as my reward.
*shrug* My hairs already blue.
I'll figure something else out.

As I was laying in bed last night/this morning I realized that I would be completely lost if something happened to my significant other.
The realization was so emotionally affecting, that I actually started crying.
And I'm not one to cry, especially when I'm sober.
If he died, I'm also positive I would die.
I'd probably sit around smoking and drinking for a few days.
Then off myself.
I've never been this person.
I'm not sure I like being this person now.
I'm so in love.
I care so much.

But it's nice to actually feel something other than pain, for once.