High weight: 160 lbs
Low weight: 115 lbs
Goal weight: 90 lbs
Current weight: 123 lbs
Today, I start the ABC diet.
I'll be posting my current weight every morning along with my diet plan for the day, and how the previous day went.
Day's Calorie intake limit: 500
Beakfast: Grapefruit + Fresh grapefruit juice + black coffee = 161 cal
Lunch: Green Apple = 80 cal
Dinner: Salad (2 cups lettuce, 1 cup spinach, 1/4 cup feta, 2 tbs light honey dijon dressing) + 1/2 cup mashed sweet potato = 258
Daily total: 499 calories
Today's exercise:
150 crunches
50 push-ups
50 jumping jacks
30 min yoga
20 min walking upstairs
Cal burned: about 530 cal
total calorie output: 2150 cal
Calorie deficit: 1653 cal
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.
"We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
She's prettier than me.
Skinnier.
Sexier.
More talented.
More tattooed.
More pierced.
More mature.
More intelligent.
More experienced.
More perfect.
I'm terrified to lose him.
And yet I'm driving him away by thinking these things.
Please tell me how I'm broken?
Please tell me how to fix it?
-Eleanor Roosevelt
She's prettier than me.
Skinnier.
Sexier.
More talented.
More tattooed.
More pierced.
More mature.
More intelligent.
More experienced.
More perfect.
I'm terrified to lose him.
And yet I'm driving him away by thinking these things.
Please tell me how I'm broken?
Please tell me how to fix it?
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
getting there...
I passed my first goal weight of 125 lbs today.
w00t!
I am 124.8 now.
And I'm not going to fuck it up this time.
I really don't look any different from 10 lbs ago.
But it's progress, and I'll get there.
I'm hoping to meet my next goal of 120 lbs by the end of this week.
I think it's pretty do-able.
I'm massively cutting down on smoking, too.
Not because I want to, believe me.
I just can't afford to buy cigarettes anymore, and I hate the taste of these rolled ones.
I usually smoke over a pack a day.
Today, I had 10.
I also completely cleaned and organized the kitchen, today.
Pretty good, considering it was a disaster zone, and I didn't wake up until 9pm...
Tomorrow, I'm going back into the studio, hopefully I'll get a few more songs done.
Its easy to not think about eating when there's a microphone in front of your face.
w00t!
I am 124.8 now.
And I'm not going to fuck it up this time.
I really don't look any different from 10 lbs ago.
But it's progress, and I'll get there.
I'm hoping to meet my next goal of 120 lbs by the end of this week.
I think it's pretty do-able.
I'm massively cutting down on smoking, too.
Not because I want to, believe me.
I just can't afford to buy cigarettes anymore, and I hate the taste of these rolled ones.
I usually smoke over a pack a day.
Today, I had 10.
I also completely cleaned and organized the kitchen, today.
Pretty good, considering it was a disaster zone, and I didn't wake up until 9pm...
Tomorrow, I'm going back into the studio, hopefully I'll get a few more songs done.
Its easy to not think about eating when there's a microphone in front of your face.
Friday, January 14, 2011
well this'll be fun
Today, my diet consists of 1 quart of pure black cherry juice, some B-complex, some niacin and countless cigarettes.
I have IBS.
This is practically a rapid detox.
I'm doing whatever it takes to lose the weight.
Today, I start a 5 day liquid fast.
I'm at 126.
I will get there.
I was in the studio, recording, yesterday. I think it's funny that the song my dad liked best was the one about his daughter's eating disorder.
He'll never know.
Go back into the studio tomorrow.
I've got myself worried sick that it's all gonna turn out shitty because I'm no good.
Then I have this fear that I'll go to some open mic night in some cafe, and be shitty.
But whatever.
As long as I'm thin when I do it.
What sucks is, I'm a pound away from reaching my first GW.
And I don't have money to get the hair dye as my reward.
*shrug* My hairs already blue.
I'll figure something else out.
As I was laying in bed last night/this morning I realized that I would be completely lost if something happened to my significant other.
The realization was so emotionally affecting, that I actually started crying.
And I'm not one to cry, especially when I'm sober.
If he died, I'm also positive I would die.
I'd probably sit around smoking and drinking for a few days.
Then off myself.
I've never been this person.
I'm not sure I like being this person now.
I'm so in love.
I care so much.
But it's nice to actually feel something other than pain, for once.
I have IBS.
This is practically a rapid detox.
I'm doing whatever it takes to lose the weight.
Today, I start a 5 day liquid fast.
I'm at 126.
I will get there.
I was in the studio, recording, yesterday. I think it's funny that the song my dad liked best was the one about his daughter's eating disorder.
He'll never know.
Go back into the studio tomorrow.
I've got myself worried sick that it's all gonna turn out shitty because I'm no good.
Then I have this fear that I'll go to some open mic night in some cafe, and be shitty.
But whatever.
As long as I'm thin when I do it.
What sucks is, I'm a pound away from reaching my first GW.
And I don't have money to get the hair dye as my reward.
*shrug* My hairs already blue.
I'll figure something else out.
As I was laying in bed last night/this morning I realized that I would be completely lost if something happened to my significant other.
The realization was so emotionally affecting, that I actually started crying.
And I'm not one to cry, especially when I'm sober.
If he died, I'm also positive I would die.
I'd probably sit around smoking and drinking for a few days.
Then off myself.
I've never been this person.
I'm not sure I like being this person now.
I'm so in love.
I care so much.
But it's nice to actually feel something other than pain, for once.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Day 1 and 2 of the transformation
Yesterday, I decided I was going to become everything I've always wanted to be.
I went back to a vegan diet.
I'm going to be consuming between about 300-500 cal a day, mostly from raw fruits and veggies.
So far its going quite well.
I've had so much trouble in the past going back to a vegan diet, but this time... I don't even care to touch meat or dairy ever again, honestly.
I made my roommate bacon for breakfast. The only thing I was thinking about the whole time was how long it would take before I could get to making my scrambled tofu (which was delicious, btw.)
I also had a piece of toast with a bit of apple butter, and a peach and dandelion greens smoothie.
It all came out to 500 cal, rounding up.
I'm done for the day, just water and tea the rest of it. Maybe a small apple later.
I didn't eat yesterday.
Didn't feel the need to.
I'm sticking with this.
Fasting probably 1 or 2 days a week.
I should reach my goal weight in a couple months.
I'm starting at 127 as of two days ago. I haven't weighed myself since. I'm going to try to make myself only weigh in every 3 days, because 10 times a day isn't accurate and usually only makes me feel bad.
I plan on being under 100lbs.
90 is the goal, but I know I'll plateau somewhere along the line.
I'm going into the studio on Thursday to record my album...
I'm a procrastinator and haven't even finished all my songs.
I have 3 days to finish 3 more songs.
I'm ridiculous.
I miss California.
I hate the snow.
I love my boyfriend more than I ever thought I'd love one of those significant other things.
I painted my room.
Sort of.
I'm surrounded in lyrics that remind me why I'm still alive.
I have to finish cleaning.
I have to finish organizing.
I have to finish painting.
I have to find a job.
I have to stay busy enough to keep my mind off all the things that make me want to kill myself.
I used to be a giraffe.
I used to be invisible.
I used to be happy.
The only thing that makes me happy anymore is laying with the one I love and pretending we can stay there forever.
I hate being codependent.
I'm afraid he's going to leave me if I get too attached.
If he leaves me, I'll have absolutely nothing left.
It'll be the end of everything for me.
Thats selfish.
I don't care.
I'm human.
Selfish is what we do.
I'm tired of fighting.
I'm tired of losing.
I'm giving it one more chance.
I'm suffocating myself with chemicals and clutter.
It makes me feel safe.
I went back to a vegan diet.
I'm going to be consuming between about 300-500 cal a day, mostly from raw fruits and veggies.
So far its going quite well.
I've had so much trouble in the past going back to a vegan diet, but this time... I don't even care to touch meat or dairy ever again, honestly.
I made my roommate bacon for breakfast. The only thing I was thinking about the whole time was how long it would take before I could get to making my scrambled tofu (which was delicious, btw.)
I also had a piece of toast with a bit of apple butter, and a peach and dandelion greens smoothie.
It all came out to 500 cal, rounding up.
I'm done for the day, just water and tea the rest of it. Maybe a small apple later.
I didn't eat yesterday.
Didn't feel the need to.
I'm sticking with this.
Fasting probably 1 or 2 days a week.
I should reach my goal weight in a couple months.
I'm starting at 127 as of two days ago. I haven't weighed myself since. I'm going to try to make myself only weigh in every 3 days, because 10 times a day isn't accurate and usually only makes me feel bad.
I plan on being under 100lbs.
90 is the goal, but I know I'll plateau somewhere along the line.
I'm going into the studio on Thursday to record my album...
I'm a procrastinator and haven't even finished all my songs.
I have 3 days to finish 3 more songs.
I'm ridiculous.
I miss California.
I hate the snow.
I love my boyfriend more than I ever thought I'd love one of those significant other things.
I painted my room.
Sort of.
I'm surrounded in lyrics that remind me why I'm still alive.
I have to finish cleaning.
I have to finish organizing.
I have to finish painting.
I have to find a job.
I have to stay busy enough to keep my mind off all the things that make me want to kill myself.
I used to be a giraffe.
I used to be invisible.
I used to be happy.
The only thing that makes me happy anymore is laying with the one I love and pretending we can stay there forever.
I hate being codependent.
I'm afraid he's going to leave me if I get too attached.
If he leaves me, I'll have absolutely nothing left.
It'll be the end of everything for me.
Thats selfish.
I don't care.
I'm human.
Selfish is what we do.
I'm tired of fighting.
I'm tired of losing.
I'm giving it one more chance.
I'm suffocating myself with chemicals and clutter.
It makes me feel safe.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
I told another lie today, and I got through this day
Not disappointment.
Sadness.
Overwhelming indecision.
I need something to plan.
Something to look forward to.
More proof that my plans never work out.
I need to runaway again.
Just for a little while.
Just to remind myself I'm not stuck here forever, going through the same routine everyday with nothing to expect, but repetition.
I can't do it.
I'll go crazier than I am.
And nobody can handle me crazier than this.
Especially not myself.
Sadness.
Overwhelming indecision.
I need something to plan.
Something to look forward to.
More proof that my plans never work out.
I need to runaway again.
Just for a little while.
Just to remind myself I'm not stuck here forever, going through the same routine everyday with nothing to expect, but repetition.
I can't do it.
I'll go crazier than I am.
And nobody can handle me crazier than this.
Especially not myself.
Monday, November 29, 2010
decide what you don't want before you decide what you do want
Today.
OH.
Today.
Today, I spent an entire 6 hour shift organizing and cleaning the hairspray section of a store that only has 3 isles.
It was actually really nice.
Time went by so fast, and I felt productive.
Ish.
I was also awake at 8am.
And ok with it.
I kind of like this whole getting up early, having coffee, and DOING SHIT kind of thing.
I cleaned out my van too, which hasn't happened in... uh... a while.
Picked up some furniture for my bedroom, which I'd be organizing right now if I didn't have to be up in about 5 hours.
My boyfriend was having some issues today.
Sometimes I forget how fortunate I am to not really give a damn what other people think.
Of course I care about my family and friends... but I believe each person's life is their own. We don't have enough time to worry about making other people happy. We have to enjoy our own lives, I mean... we all get one, right? Make the best of it. Don't let other people live vicariously through you because they're not satisfied with the choices they made, or because they think you should end up exactly like them.
I didn't go to college.
I don't plan to.
I work an average part-time job that gets me by in my medium-sized to bedroom apartment with fixed utilities, a really fat cat, and a kind of awesome roommate.
I don't plan on ever getting into management in a chain company, nor do I plan on working the same job at all for 30 years until I retire.
That'd be too boring.
But I'll be satisfied getting by and being content with spurts of spontaneous excitement that never really make much sense, nor coincide with anything else I've ever done in life.
It's entertaining, and makes life worth living.
Who wants to do the same thing everyday for the rest of forever?
Whats the point in that?
Hell no.
Road trip!
Even if it's just some town in Nebraska that nobody has ever heard of.
At least it is some place new.
New people.
New things.
New experiences.
Repetition is the devil, as I'm sure Bobby Bouche's mom would say.
I refuse to be another cookie, cut out from the same recipe as everyone else, heading through the same oven at the same temperatures, ending up on the same santa-shaped platter.
Fuck that.
I'm gonna be happy, dammit.
OH.
Today.
Today, I spent an entire 6 hour shift organizing and cleaning the hairspray section of a store that only has 3 isles.
It was actually really nice.
Time went by so fast, and I felt productive.
Ish.
I was also awake at 8am.
And ok with it.
I kind of like this whole getting up early, having coffee, and DOING SHIT kind of thing.
I cleaned out my van too, which hasn't happened in... uh... a while.
Picked up some furniture for my bedroom, which I'd be organizing right now if I didn't have to be up in about 5 hours.
My boyfriend was having some issues today.
Sometimes I forget how fortunate I am to not really give a damn what other people think.
Of course I care about my family and friends... but I believe each person's life is their own. We don't have enough time to worry about making other people happy. We have to enjoy our own lives, I mean... we all get one, right? Make the best of it. Don't let other people live vicariously through you because they're not satisfied with the choices they made, or because they think you should end up exactly like them.
I didn't go to college.
I don't plan to.
I work an average part-time job that gets me by in my medium-sized to bedroom apartment with fixed utilities, a really fat cat, and a kind of awesome roommate.
I don't plan on ever getting into management in a chain company, nor do I plan on working the same job at all for 30 years until I retire.
That'd be too boring.
But I'll be satisfied getting by and being content with spurts of spontaneous excitement that never really make much sense, nor coincide with anything else I've ever done in life.
It's entertaining, and makes life worth living.
Who wants to do the same thing everyday for the rest of forever?
Whats the point in that?
Hell no.
Road trip!
Even if it's just some town in Nebraska that nobody has ever heard of.
At least it is some place new.
New people.
New things.
New experiences.
Repetition is the devil, as I'm sure Bobby Bouche's mom would say.
I refuse to be another cookie, cut out from the same recipe as everyone else, heading through the same oven at the same temperatures, ending up on the same santa-shaped platter.
Fuck that.
I'm gonna be happy, dammit.
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