Dear Common Sense,

It's 8:30 am.
I fell asleep around 3:00am.
I don't work until 4:15pm.
My alarm wasn't set.
My phone was dead.
I woke up in an empty bed.

I got up and rolled a cigarette.
I noticed a pair of shoes were gone.
So were his keys.
So was his car.
So was my heart in a jar.



The note on the mirror says his phone is dead and he'll be gone all day.
He didn't do anything wrong.
But I think the doctor needs to up my meds.
Aside from wanting to kill myself a couple weeks ago, I've never wanted to cut so bad.

sanity does exist, but only with medication.

I was in the psych ward for a week.
I now conform to the social trend of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds.
It's better than wanting to kill myself constantly.

My boyfriend moved in with me.
I really need to clean so he actually has somewhere to put his stuff.

I got my old job back.
I start tomorrow.
I don't care for working... But I do like money.

I lost enough weight in the psych ward that my Claddagh ring doesn't fit anymore.
I had to wrap it in yarn.
I also had to get new pants.
None of my old ones fit.
I now wear 3 to 5's.

I've got a plan.

Obviously I have terrible luck sticking to diets like the ABC diet.
So.
Within the next 30 days, I need a deficit of 70,000 calories total to get to 100 lbs.
(After that, I'll figure it out for the next goal weight, but I figure a month will be good enough for now.)
I will get 2,100 calories a week (this way, if I overeat one day, I can make up for it the rest of the week.)
And I need a deficit of 2,100 cal a day.
(Also, if I over eat, I can counteract it by burning more cal.)

I think the reason I'm trying more now than ever to control this is because my medication is supposed to cause weight-gain (which the doctor did on purpose...) and I wont let that happen.

I'm planning on AT LEAST 2 hours of hula hooping a day, which burns 251 cal an hour.
Half an hour of yoga. Cleaning the house everyday. My body naturally burns about 1400 cal just by being alive.
All this plus working on my feet for 5-8 hours a day, sexy time with the boyfriend, volunteering at the dog shelter (which I'm going to start doing again), and I'm going to try to get in a 30 min walk everyday...
I should have no problem burning 2100 cal a day.
And the eating thing hasn't really been a big deal for me since the psych ward.
I didn't eat much there because the food was awful, and I haven't really felt like eating much since. And I've tried.
I tried eating some chinese food yesterday... my favorite food of all time... and I was done after a couple bites.
I'm just... not ever hungry anymore. and I kind of love it.