Dear Common Sense,

It's 8:30 am.
I fell asleep around 3:00am.
I don't work until 4:15pm.
My alarm wasn't set.
My phone was dead.
I woke up in an empty bed.

I got up and rolled a cigarette.
I noticed a pair of shoes were gone.
So were his keys.
So was his car.
So was my heart in a jar.



The note on the mirror says his phone is dead and he'll be gone all day.
He didn't do anything wrong.
But I think the doctor needs to up my meds.
Aside from wanting to kill myself a couple weeks ago, I've never wanted to cut so bad.

sanity does exist, but only with medication.

I was in the psych ward for a week.
I now conform to the social trend of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds.
It's better than wanting to kill myself constantly.

My boyfriend moved in with me.
I really need to clean so he actually has somewhere to put his stuff.

I got my old job back.
I start tomorrow.
I don't care for working... But I do like money.

I lost enough weight in the psych ward that my Claddagh ring doesn't fit anymore.
I had to wrap it in yarn.
I also had to get new pants.
None of my old ones fit.
I now wear 3 to 5's.

I've got a plan.

Obviously I have terrible luck sticking to diets like the ABC diet.
So.
Within the next 30 days, I need a deficit of 70,000 calories total to get to 100 lbs.
(After that, I'll figure it out for the next goal weight, but I figure a month will be good enough for now.)
I will get 2,100 calories a week (this way, if I overeat one day, I can make up for it the rest of the week.)
And I need a deficit of 2,100 cal a day.
(Also, if I over eat, I can counteract it by burning more cal.)

I think the reason I'm trying more now than ever to control this is because my medication is supposed to cause weight-gain (which the doctor did on purpose...) and I wont let that happen.

I'm planning on AT LEAST 2 hours of hula hooping a day, which burns 251 cal an hour.
Half an hour of yoga. Cleaning the house everyday. My body naturally burns about 1400 cal just by being alive.
All this plus working on my feet for 5-8 hours a day, sexy time with the boyfriend, volunteering at the dog shelter (which I'm going to start doing again), and I'm going to try to get in a 30 min walk everyday...
I should have no problem burning 2100 cal a day.
And the eating thing hasn't really been a big deal for me since the psych ward.
I didn't eat much there because the food was awful, and I haven't really felt like eating much since. And I've tried.
I tried eating some chinese food yesterday... my favorite food of all time... and I was done after a couple bites.
I'm just... not ever hungry anymore. and I kind of love it.

Sanity doesn't exist

I've been seeing a therapist for a couple weeks now.
Not because of my ED, but because I'm just crazy in general.

I thought I was doing well.
I hadn't cut in over a week.
I was wrong though.

If I didn't take it out on myself, I would take it out on him.
I don't want to do that.
He already thinks I'm crazy.
Mostly because I am.
I don't know why he's still with me.

He makes me paranoid.
It's not his fault.

I'll never be the only one who matters.
I understand that now.

There were so many people who loved me.
Only me.
And I didn't want them.

I have the one I want.
But he's not all mine.
And I can't stand it.

Karma is a mother-fucking bastard.
I'm not allowed to be happy.
My heart is proof.
My mind is proof.
My arm is proof.

So whats the fucking point?

I want...

alcohol is bad, mmmkay?

I'm an idiot.

the streets are made of silver

California.
Los Angeles, more specifically.
Home of the Musician's Institute.
Which is where my significant other would like to study.
What that mean?

It means we sat down last night and figured out a budget.
If we both get the jobs that we're planning on getting this month, we can have 41,000 saved up by August of 2012, after the expenses of living here until then are removed from the savings, and school would start in September.
That is enough to survive the 2 years it would take for him to graduate assuming rent was 900 or below (a price range in which we found many living options) and that we didn't blow money while we were there. PLUS I'd try to find a full time job, or any job at all, to cover anything extra we would need.

This gives me something extreme to look forward to.
Something I haven't had in a while.
I feel like this is going to help my current mental situation quite a lot.
I love that he doesn't mind that I'm crazy.
I love that he loves me.
I love that I love him.

[[FAIL]]

My first attempt at the ABC diet failed horrendously.
I keep shifting between 123 and 124. At least I'm staying under my first goal weight, but it's still pissing me off.
I didn't adhere to the calorie restrictions at all.
So I went grocery shopping, and I'm attempting it once again starting the first of February.

In other news, my boyfriend is finally moving in with me.
I say finally like we've been together for years.
We've only been together 4 and a half months.
But I'm cool with it.
I'm kind of really excited by the idea of us living together.
It's not as good as when we randomly decided to get married (and then he changed his mind), but it still good. It's probably logically better, actually.

in other OTHER news...
I went to the shrink yesterday.
I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder Severe with Psychotic Features.
Go me.
I'm all kinds of crazy.
So I'm going to start doing treatment for that.
I brought up my ED.
He didn't seem to care about it or think it was of any significance.
I love how it doesn't matter as long as you're still in a healthy BMI range.
I wish they would realize they could save so many people from hospitalization if they just took action before hand.
Oh well.
I'm sure they'll learn eventually.

ANYWAY.

I need to find a well paying job like right now.
ChaCha is not cutting it.
I don't have the attention span for it.

Day 1 of ABC diet

High weight: 160 lbs
Low weight: 115 lbs
Goal weight: 90 lbs

Current weight: 123 lbs

Today, I start the ABC diet.
I'll be posting my current weight every morning along with my diet plan for the day, and how the previous day went.
Day's Calorie intake limit: 500

Beakfast: Grapefruit + Fresh grapefruit juice + black coffee = 161 cal
Lunch: Green Apple = 80 cal
Dinner: Salad (2 cups lettuce, 1 cup spinach, 1/4 cup feta, 2 tbs light honey dijon dressing) + 1/2 cup mashed sweet potato = 258

Daily total: 499 calories

Today's exercise:
150 crunches
50 push-ups
50 jumping jacks
30 min yoga
20 min walking upstairs
Cal burned: about 530 cal

total calorie output: 2150 cal
Calorie deficit: 1653 cal

We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.

"We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all."
-Eleanor Roosevelt


She's prettier than me.
Skinnier.
Sexier.
More talented.
More tattooed.
More pierced.
More mature.
More intelligent.
More experienced.
More perfect.

I'm terrified to lose him.
And yet I'm driving him away by thinking these things.

Please tell me how I'm broken?
Please tell me how to fix it?

getting there...

I passed my first goal weight of 125 lbs today.
w00t!
I am 124.8 now.
And I'm not going to fuck it up this time.

I really don't look any different from 10 lbs ago.
But it's progress, and I'll get there.
I'm hoping to meet my next goal of 120 lbs by the end of this week.
I think it's pretty do-able.

I'm massively cutting down on smoking, too.
Not because I want to, believe me.
I just can't afford to buy cigarettes anymore, and I hate the taste of these rolled ones.
I usually smoke over a pack a day.
Today, I had 10.

I also completely cleaned and organized the kitchen, today.
Pretty good, considering it was a disaster zone, and I didn't wake up until 9pm...

Tomorrow, I'm going back into the studio, hopefully I'll get a few more songs done.
Its easy to not think about eating when there's a microphone in front of your face.

well this'll be fun

Today, my diet consists of 1 quart of pure black cherry juice, some B-complex, some niacin and countless cigarettes.
I have IBS.
This is practically a rapid detox.
I'm doing whatever it takes to lose the weight.
Today, I start a 5 day liquid fast.

I'm at 126.
I will get there.

I was in the studio, recording, yesterday. I think it's funny that the song my dad liked best was the one about his daughter's eating disorder.
He'll never know.

Go back into the studio tomorrow.
I've got myself worried sick that it's all gonna turn out shitty because I'm no good.
Then I have this fear that I'll go to some open mic night in some cafe, and be shitty.
But whatever.
As long as I'm thin when I do it.

What sucks is, I'm a pound away from reaching my first GW.
And I don't have money to get the hair dye as my reward.
*shrug* My hairs already blue.
I'll figure something else out.

As I was laying in bed last night/this morning I realized that I would be completely lost if something happened to my significant other.
The realization was so emotionally affecting, that I actually started crying.
And I'm not one to cry, especially when I'm sober.
If he died, I'm also positive I would die.
I'd probably sit around smoking and drinking for a few days.
Then off myself.
I've never been this person.
I'm not sure I like being this person now.
I'm so in love.
I care so much.

But it's nice to actually feel something other than pain, for once.

Day 1 and 2 of the transformation

Yesterday, I decided I was going to become everything I've always wanted to be.
I went back to a vegan diet.
I'm going to be consuming between about 300-500 cal a day, mostly from raw fruits and veggies.
So far its going quite well.
I've had so much trouble in the past going back to a vegan diet, but this time... I don't even care to touch meat or dairy ever again, honestly.
I made my roommate bacon for breakfast. The only thing I was thinking about the whole time was how long it would take before I could get to making my scrambled tofu (which was delicious, btw.)
I also had a piece of toast with a bit of apple butter, and a peach and dandelion greens smoothie.
It all came out to 500 cal, rounding up.
I'm done for the day, just water and tea the rest of it. Maybe a small apple later.
I didn't eat yesterday.
Didn't feel the need to.
I'm sticking with this.
Fasting probably 1 or 2 days a week.
I should reach my goal weight in a couple months.
I'm starting at 127 as of two days ago. I haven't weighed myself since. I'm going to try to make myself only weigh in every 3 days, because 10 times a day isn't accurate and usually only makes me feel bad.
I plan on being under 100lbs.
90 is the goal, but I know I'll plateau somewhere along the line.

I'm going into the studio on Thursday to record my album...
I'm a procrastinator and haven't even finished all my songs.
I have 3 days to finish 3 more songs.
I'm ridiculous.

I miss California.
I hate the snow.
I love my boyfriend more than I ever thought I'd love one of those significant other things.

I painted my room.
Sort of.
I'm surrounded in lyrics that remind me why I'm still alive.

I have to finish cleaning.
I have to finish organizing.
I have to finish painting.
I have to find a job.
I have to stay busy enough to keep my mind off all the things that make me want to kill myself.

I used to be a giraffe.
I used to be invisible.
I used to be happy.

The only thing that makes me happy anymore is laying with the one I love and pretending we can stay there forever.
I hate being codependent.
I'm afraid he's going to leave me if I get too attached.
If he leaves me, I'll have absolutely nothing left.
It'll be the end of everything for me.
Thats selfish.
I don't care.
I'm human.
Selfish is what we do.

I'm tired of fighting.
I'm tired of losing.
I'm giving it one more chance.

I'm suffocating myself with chemicals and clutter.
It makes me feel safe.